Siege Diaries 5/24/2021

Today’s Daily Stoic writing prompt:  How can I make my own good fortune?

I’m reminded of the Latin proverb “Fortune favours the bold.”  (which, according to Wikipedia, exists in several different forms, including audentes Fortuna iuvat, audentes Fortuna adiuvatFortuna audaces iuvat, and audentis Fortuna iuvat.)  Three of these build off on the verb audeo, audere:  to be eager, to have a mind to, to venture, to make bold to do, with a connotation of courage. The fourth is built from the related adjective audax:  daring, bold, audacious–but also reckless.   There’s also a related proverb, Fortuna Eruditis Favet – “Fortune favours the prepared mind”  — in this case, using eruditis, with its connotation of being learned.  In other words, regardless of which proverb is used, the greater meaning is that “fortune” does not just happen, unlike “luck.”   Fortune favours those who take action, or who prepare.

We got a new modem today.  Unfortunately, we’re still having some issues, so tomorrow we’ll be installing a new-to-us router–which might make us miss the mini-golf round we’d planned.  We did manage to get in our RPG session with only one issue during play, and instead of just killing a lot of stuff, it looks like this adventure is going to start out with a lot of information-gathering, the kind of thing my character is built for.

I also made a vest today!  I’m still short buttons, but it’s otherwise done.  I’ve ordered some buttons for pickup tomorrow from Michael’s.

And I’m officially at 4 weeks past my first vaccine shot.  So I’m past the period for mysterious AztraZeneca clot issues.  Yay!

Last night, we had fireworks.  There’s a cul-de-sac right across the bridge over the nearby creek, and a bunch of people had gathered there to set them off.  There were some professional-quality aerials, and although it was quite probably illegal I still enjoyed watching it, and took a few photos).   I am also, of course, wearing my Lakeside Park t-shirt (in honour of the famed Rush song).

So, terminology time.  It’s something I’ve been thinking about for awhile since I decided that “agender” was a term that applied to me, and it’s this:  Do the terms “cis” and “trans” apply?  The problem for me is that those terms also imply a binary based on difference from sex assigned at birth.  It’s an exterior perspective.  When it’s more obvious to a person that one’s gender is different than one’s genitals or biological sex/chromosomes, the question is a little more clear. But for me, the whole point is that my exterior presentation is wholly in line with my gender, or lack thereof, and has been for a very long time.  It says nothing about my gender, even the parts that society has associated with a particular gender. I realize that society is going to interpret it that way.  That doesn’t bother me.   I am likely genetically female;  I certainly have the primary and secondary sexual characteristics that go with that designation.  That’s fine.  For the purposes of talking to my doctor, I’m female.  That is just as true as is the fact that I’m agender, because I see them as completely different things.  I also cannot escape the fact that I’ve been treated my whole life as woman and will likely continue to be treated as such–as much as I’d like personhood or humanity to be the basis of how I’m treated.  Certainly, I think, friends will know or figure out what to do.  Everyone else?  They’re not worth my effort, generally, because yes, I could explain, but how the hell do I explain the fact that I don’t think I have a gender?  While wearing a dress that I obviously feel quite comfortable wearing?

I don’t feel as if I “were born in the wrong body.”  As I mentioned before, body neutrality is a thing for me.  It’s what I have.  It expresses who I am by default.  I have modified it a bit, but other than the pierced ears, in ways that mostly only I can see (seven tattoos will do that for you) and that are unrelated to my gender presentation.  I’ve not really felt a call to go further.  Instead,  I feel like aspects of my expression (or deficits) have been attributed to my gender that shouldn’t be.   The short answer to the above question?  I’m not comfortable with cis,. I’m not trans, either.  I’m not comfortable with the binary where if you’re not cis, you’re trans, or vice versa.  The fact is that I will likely largely be continued to be read by society as a cis female, and although that’s wrong, it’s also partially correct.

I am choosing not to decide, and of course that means I still have made a choice.  They’re labels–hugely important for some;  not applicable to me.